“Then I guess we’re staying up late,” I said.
We worked until almost two in the morning.
Lily did the hard parts. I did what she told me to. I ironed. I held pins. I cut thread. At one point, I found an old button tin in the hall closet. It was Ruth’s, from years ago. Lily dug through it and found two tiny pearl buttons that almost matched.
“These are close enough,” she said. “Nobody’s going to look at her buttons.”
“Everybody’s going to look at her.”
Lily smiled. “Yeah. That’s the point.”
Around midnight, I made grilled cheese. The way Michael used to make it. With mayonnaise.
We ate it at the kitchen table next to the sewing machine. Lily ate two.
“¿Puedo preguntarte algo?” Ella dijo.
“Sure.”
“¿Todavía lo amas? ¿Papá?”
Puse mi sándwich.
Pensé en la llamada. Sobre las noches en la oficina mientras estaba embarazada. Sobre el helado una vez al año y las fotos con su letra en la parte posterior. Sobre el hombre que me frotó los pies cuando estaba demasiado enfermo para mudarme, y que le enseñó a nuestra hija a andar en bicicleta en el estacionamiento de la iglesia, corriendo a su lado durante una hora hasta que finalmente lo consiguió.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I think I’m going to love him and be furious at him for the rest of my life. I think both of those are going to be true at the same time.”
Lily nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she said. “Me too.”
“Can I ask you something now?”
“Okay.”
“Why did you give her the cardigan? Of everything. The money I understand. The dress I understand. But that was the last thing he ever gave you.”
Lily looked down at her plate.
“Because it was the last thing he ever gave me,” she said. “And she never got anything from him. Not one thing. Not one present that said ‘from Dad’ on it. I wanted her to have one thing he picked out with his own hands.” She shrugged. “Even if he picked it out for me.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.
Me acerqué y le apreté la mano. Las yemas de sus dedos estaban cubiertas de pinchazos de aguja.
The concert was Friday at seven.
El auditorio de la escuela estaba lleno. Padres con teléfonos sostenidos, hermanos pequeños y hermanas corriendo en los pasillos, abuelos en las primeras filas con sus programas. Lily y yo nos sentamos a mitad de camino.
